When I went to tennis on Sunday, the scale said huge and fat because I binged bad for a bit. I've been fasting ever since. Now my scale says 9lbs less. I wanted to cry with happiness. Is that even possible?

I  feel so horrible. This beautiful girl just joined (5'8" and 94lbs) and I feel so ugly. I wish so much to look like her and have the confidence and strength she has.

Another problem: I'm 15 and I can't buy weight loss pills yet. And until I'm 18, my parents control whether I go into recovery. Like really stinks sometimes. 

 I'm jealous of my best friend. And the funny thing is that she's not as skinny as me. She's 5'3" and probably 140lbs.  And I'm 5'2" and 100lbs. And yet I envy her. Why?

So, for the last two weeks, I've been eating normally because my parents threatened to have me hospitalized. And I've felt like a fuck up the entire time. And there's been days where I've said I'm going to stop and I just can't seem to. But I'm going to say it again: Tomorrow is a new day and I will stop this. I can do this. I can do this.
The scale said fucking 108lbs. That means I've gone from 98 to 108. FUCK. I'm going to lose 15lbs. I'm going to be beautiful. I will be skinny. Tomorrow school starts again so all I'll have to eat is dinner and I'll try to get away with a salad for as long as I can. Limit of 250calories a day. I remember when this all first started, I lost 4 lbs the first 2 days and 3 lbs some days. So hopefully my body will go into shock and that'll start again. I checked out hoodia and I can buy it for 16bucks (60 pills). So if I can, somehow get away with it, I'm gonna buy a scale and some hoodia. And then hopefuly I'll drop the pounds and I'll get my ribs back. I miss them. ): I'm a failure.

Yesterday  
Scale said 93lbs BMI 17.0

MAJOR BINGE
horrible tummy ache today ):

today scale said 95 BMI 17.4 

F*CK

 

today, all I'm eating is a small field green salad with a hard boiled egg on top (100-120 calories) !!!

 

The last days before the binge I had less than 110 calories each day so the binge was bound to come on.

 

I'm fat  fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.

I hate this.

 

BMI of 17.6
CW: 96lbs

I love my ankleweigths; they make me lose weight so fast. I've lost 3lbs in 2days.

But I still don't feel good. I don't understand it. I always have wanted to be 97lbs because that's supposedly what Ashlie Olsen is at and she's my height. And Mary Kate is 90 (not during her major anorexia problem though when she was 79 but I don't want to lose that much weight).

I just don't understand why I'm not happy.. ):